Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
