Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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