stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
