im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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