I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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