I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
