You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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