her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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