Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
