You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
When are your genitals available?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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