apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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