dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Send help, water and tortillas.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
