He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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