In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just want to make out with him forever
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize