I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
