Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
