Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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