Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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