omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
