the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
