2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
