You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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