How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sext me about skeletons
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
