This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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