OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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