Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
