We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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