Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
