life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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