My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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