Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
