You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
