I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dicks are not precious.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
