mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
