So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
