why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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