just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
