He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
