I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
