I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
