I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
