you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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