I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
