what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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