On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
