the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
