i can't believe i had my finger in that
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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