I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
