if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
