So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
