I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
