It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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