She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
