I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
