if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You can't special order awesome
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
