The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
