I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
