so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
