if only i could text you this smell
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
